Jealousy is a heavy emotion experienced and felt by everyone. While we all feel it differently and not all to the same degree, jealousy can be extremely tiring on those we love and others around us as it can feel like an insecurity blanket smothering the life out of what could be a thriving relationship.

 

Firstly, let’s cover a common misconception which will help with our definition…

I’ve observed that it’s common for many people to confuse jealousy and envy. For example, if someone told you they’re going away for vacation to a beautiful destination, your response like many others might be “Oh wow! That’s amazing! I’m so jealous!” instead of “I’m so envious” or “I wish I could be there.”

 

However, a simplified definition of these words that I have found pretty useful is envy is a deep longing for something whereas jealousy is a fear of loss.

Emotions are subjective and very personal to us. No two people can experience the same emotion the same way. How you experience happiness, sadness, fear, etc. would not be felt the same way by your friend or neighbor.

 

But there is a certain amount of objectivity to emotions, for example:

➡️ Fear: Perceiving a negative outcome in the future.

➡️ Excitement: Perceiving a positive outcome in the future.

➡️ Guilt: A negative perception of the result that occurred from an action we took.

➡️ Shame: Perceiving ourselves as a bad person. This can be from large amounts of guilt and/or shaming narratives coming from us or others over an extended period of time.

Emotions show up differently for each of us. 

There is a good chance that my experience (and the subsequent results of me sitting with the emotion) will not match yours, just like your favorite movie or song would not give me the same feelings and experience.

But the goal of this blog is to learn how to make the intangible “art of your emotions” more objective, measurable, and tangible.

Let’s continue…

What Is the Root Cause of Jealousy?

Jealousy in intimate relationships or the workplace are probably the most common places in which they can be experienced.

These are areas in your life where you put in a lot of effort and hard work, and you develop an attachment to them as you may fear losing that outcome despite all your effort to create and keep such a thing. Or worse, keep working indefinitely with no payoff in sight, yet believing it would have been a “bad investment” if we just let it all go.

 

Because of this, we tend to hang on longer even when it’s no longer serving us. Either way there is somewhat of an expectation that we are owed something or that something is ours to lose.

Perhaps your intimate partner is spending a lot of time with friends or at work outside of the primary relationship you have with them, or you are about to get passed over for a promotion by someone who you consider to be less qualified.

This may likely trigger a fear of loss. When the feeling of fear is triggered, your mind begins to question everything.

This can sound like ⤵️ 
“What if my partner walks out on me after all these years for someone younger?”
“What if my boss chooses the new guy for the promotion because he has one thing I don’t, even after I put in all this work?”

Similar to fear and anxiety, jealousy is a negative perception of a potential future or alternate reality of what may or may not be coming. A perceived loss can focus on the negative experiences associated with a current situation that you are experiencing.

Remember, for emotions that point into the perceived future, such as fear, anxiety, or excitement, there’s always a chance that the perceived outcome won’t happen and may have a very low chance of happening. Yet notice carefully as your mind is still jumping on the bandwagon, rationally or irrationally. Whether you can see this and know this about yourself or not, how do you fix the hole?

How Do I Fix Jealousy?

 

As discussed, jealousy is largely focused on the undesirable and negative aspects of the outcome. 

So if you’re feeling jealous, it’s important to ask yourself: “Where is your fear of loss coming from?”

The most common answer that will immediately come up is the fear of losing something you put a lot of effort into, like your job or your intimate partner, which on the surface feels very valid and reasonable…at first. But look deeper…

If we take a closer look and ask ourselves “Why do we fear this loss and why would this be so bad?” and then keep digging with the same question, meditating on the thought, we will eventually notice that our fear of loss is because we fear that we will not be able get that thing again from the person or situation like we hope OR that the return on our invested energy will not be so worth it anymore. (possibly because we are still expecting a bigger and more beneficial outcome for ourselves)

But actually it’s not the thing that we fear losing but what that thing gives us.

The truth is jealousy is a game of powerlessness and when we’re truly whole and happy in our power and living from a place of love and abundance we can never be jealous. 

By disconnecting, unplugging, or not giving to you what you expect, you may feel as though you are losing part of yourself to somebody or something else. (This can also lead to a much deeper, stronger feeling of powerlessness which is perhaps ultimately a core wound hidden behind your own jealousy if you look carefully… Which might be a topic of another blog at another time.) 

 

So if you no longer have the opportunity to get what you desire from someone else or from things such as a job or status, could you possibly find a more holistic intrinsic outlet within yourself?

If you’re struggling with jealousy, take a moment and ask yourself:

 

“How am I not loving myself right now?”

“Where could I make myself whole again by working to fill any missing parts for myself instead of expecting them from others?”

 

 

Keep digging edge finders. There is gold in those dark emotions!