Are You Struggling to Change Your Behavior? Here’s Why It’s Hard and How to Succeed.

Have you ever gotten home from work and said to yourself “I’ll just sit down for a few minutes and then I’ll exercise, cook dinner, make a move on that project I’ve wanted to do for a long time and then go to bed on time”?

…then a few hours later you’re still on the couch watching Netflix, doom scrolling on social media and goofing off?

I often talk with my coaching clients and in my talks about setting yourself up for success in the best way and it boils down to a few key elements.

Putting the right people and circumstances in front of you to move your toward your desired actions and results
Keeping your distance from the wrong people and circumstances that would pull you in undesired directions
Maintaining a consistent routine of actions that contribute positively to help continue your success and drill the habit in deeper
Expanding your knowledge and skill set to empower you to adapt to challenges and seize new opportunities.

Yes, it really is that simple.

Do more of the good stuff and less of the bad.

Make the good stuff more easy to do and the bad stuff more out of reach.

Then keep doing the good stuff and keep stacking the good habits upwards and outwards.

Where is your focus?

A great example that I’ve seen is that it’s easier to exercise if you leave your shoes out in front of your bed or in the middle of the floor. When you get back in the house, the mental pathway is right there to pick them up and put them on. Once they are on, you are one step closer (no pun intended) to going for that run you have been meaning to do.

Consider this: Think of one thing that you do successfully but perhaps infrequently. Maybe you love playing an instrument, you’ve played for a few people and want to do more of it. Maybe you’ve done some really good writing and you feel really inspired and in flow when you write but can never seem to find the time or the motivation to do it again.

How can you find the motivation or the flow again? Is it just like being struck by lightning? It can feel like you are either graced from above with inspiration or you aren’t.

Motivation is a myth. Waiting for motivation is the externalization of responsibility for you moving toward your dreams.

I want you to start thinking about your own personal ‘programs’.

These are the mental and physical thoughts, behaviors, activities, habits, beliefs that you have. The they tie in to each other and affect each other. Think of this like a physical mind map on a piece of paper or even a three dimensional neural network to visualize your brain.

Or even a road map!

Let’s say you want to get somewhere in your city.

We all know that if you want to get to a certain shop in a certain part of town you’ll probably have to drive out of your driveway or suburb, turn onto a main road then jump on the highway.

You get off the highway at the correct exit and drive on specific roads through the mall district until you arrive at your destination.

Now, there are many ways to drive to a specific destination but only a few will get you there the fastest, there are a few that are considered the “scenic route”, and the rest will likely feel “wrong” even if you get there eventually.

The reason why you’re struggling to “get things done” or “be successful” is that, while you might know your destination, you don’t really know how to get there. Heck, you might not even know where you are right now!

You may even have also gotten yourself distracted by the shiny lights in a sidestreet or another whole destination on your scenic route.

Even though there’s a little voice in your head that says:

“You’re meant to be somewhere else and doing something else right now. You have bigger goals and a better destination.”

A louder voice with all sorts of fun and relaxing justifications pops up in your head:

“Well, I’ve been good today. I’ve put a lot of effort in already so I’ll give myself a reward.”

“Phew. I’m tired. I need a break.”

“I had a hard day. I need to relax and distract myself.”

This is close enough for now, you feel yourself saying.

But, if we want to achieve a certain outcome we need to figure out the best ways to arrive there from different places in our day considering the different energy levels and mental states we can end up in.

What have you done that’s made you feel successful, valuable, and like you were meant to be there?

This could be giving an amazing presentation at work in front of upper management and team leaders. You likely felt confident, competent, valued, and seen. As if nothing could go wrong.

That exact moment is you landing at the metaphorical destination on your map. Arriving where you needed to be at exactly the right time!

You had to find this place to know it was the right place at first anyway. And now you have to get back there again and whenever you desire.

Imitating that feeling of success over and over again can be difficult. One day you might wake up, catch yourself in the mirror feeling a bit frumpy, less confident or stuck in a destructive and depressive mental loop.

If you’re struggling to change your habits or mindset patterns, coaching is a great way to hold yourself accountable.

Just like the habits I mentioned above, adding all the best support mechanisms into your environment, and removing the ones that don’t help, will lead you to the right mental paths to be able to do what we need to do.

If this journey of success were with a car, I’d first remove everything unnecessary to declutter it, then prepare it with essential items, like fuel and food and service the engine.

Then pick the right destination, time of day to get there and the right route for what’s most important:

Efficiency

Clean travel

Shortest distance

Scenic views

Something I notice when I get stuck on social media for a bit or maybe I’m playing computer games (which I still do from time to time, even though I know I have a high propensity to get stuck in them) is I’m not able to hit my off button and eject from the behavior into the more desired action that easily!

It’s super frustrating! Can you relate?

Some people can simply put them down. I can’t. It’s like my car is stuck in a marshy bog.

Because I wasn’t careful enough with my driving, maybe I didn’t plan my route enough, I never drove on the roads that would get me to my desired location the best! Perhaps I got distracted by some shiny lights or maybe I chose a scenic route that didn’t actually take me to anywhere that contributed to my desired outcome.

I may be just a mile or two from my destination, there’s no traffic on the road but I’m so stuck in this marshy bog that I can’t get out of it. When I finally do I have to hose my car and myself down as I feel guilty for getting stuck in there for so long, wasting my time and not arriving at my destination as planned. I was supposed to exercise and clean up when I got home but instead I got stuck on my couch in a marshy bog watching Youtube for five hours!

What’s Your Marshy Bog?

What’s the thing that’s super sticky for you? Maybe it’s an addiction of some kind? Maybe it’s technology or social media? Maybe it’s food or alcohol? Maybe it’s even a certain friendship circle where “just popping over to say hi” turns into an all night session?

What’s Your Best Pathway to Get From A to B When You Have to Get Up and Do That Thing You Want to Do?

Maybe it’s to clean the house or exercise? Maybe it’s to be well prepared and in an amazingly successful state of mind for that presentation or that successful date?

What will you do?

You come home from work and ____?

You wake up and ____ ?

Then what?

Don’t get distracted by those sidestreets and shiny lights!

And whatever you do, stay away from the marshy bog. No one ever arrives on time and in a clean vehicle after getting bogged, edge finders!

If you want to get somewhere, find the shortest route to take you there – on the road and with your habits.

~ Brett Solomano