Why you Get Road Rage – and How to Clear It

Why does road rage happen?

I get it. You’re trying to go from A to B and people near you aren’t doing things in the way you want them to (according to your values).

In the context of road rage, “passion” refers to the deep-seated values and deeply held beliefs that drive your expectations on the road. 

It’s the conviction you have about how things should be done, stemming from your personal investment in factors like efficiency, adherence to rules, timeliness, or safety.

This passion isn’t necessarily a negative emotion in itself, but it becomes the fuel for anger when your strong internal sense of what’s right clashes with someone else’s actions, which you perceive as operating outside these core values. 

Your frustration then arises from the gap between your passionate ideal and the perceived reality on the road.

An expectation is often behind every negative emotion.

You wanted something in a particular way, in a certain condition, at a certain time…but then it didn’t happen. 

While sometimes forgivable things can come up, sometimes we feel that people are operating outside our values and that offends us. “If you loved me you wouldn’t do that!” Or “If you loved me you’d try harder!” you might feel. 

Unfortunately, for better or worse, it is a universal truth that:

 People are always going to operate within THEIR OWN VALUES but not always YOUR values.

 

But you will like, befriend and get along with people who live within your values and treat you in a way that you prefer.

It’s quite simple on paper.

But what can actually be done on the road?

Everyone who is on the road is trying to get somewhere. Even if someone is “just going for a sunday drive” or “cruising the main street” with no obvious destination in mind consciously and immediately, they are all still going somewhere.

Some people will, secondarily to that value, be courteous to others by yielding where it’s not legally necessary and let people people in in front of them. This will also give them a little bonus feeling of “even though I’m getting to my destination, I’m still ‘being a good person’ while doing it.”

But as you read the last two paragraphs just know that we are all getting somewhere and while we can EXPECT others to let us in when we want, follow the rules all the time and get out of our way, they are still going to do whatever they want.

There’s a few options to counter our desire to “make things right” or to “get it our way” under these situations…

We can become an actual law enforcement officer of some kind, take time to record the situation and report them, or we can do the below…

When people don’t match your expectations, give these people all the graces that you can.

1. If they are an older person, assume that driving might be tough for them due to social, mental and physical decline and that they are trying their best. Assume that you too may be in their shoes someday. Assume that that may be a parent of yours or someone older that you care about some day.

    

2. If they are a younger person, and behaving in a certain way that might be reckless, immature, dangerous, think back to a time when you may have been like that. We all didn’t start out knowing what we know now.

    

3. If they are in a beat up car that is low value with lots of damage on it, it can very easy to judge them and their character as someone who doesn’t care about the safety of themselves or others. This may be true. But until we sit down with them over dinner and get to know them, will we ever truly know?

    

4. If they are in a really nice car, we might also start judging them if they break the law or cut us off as someone who is greedy and takes from others. But they are probably quite generous in other ways, even though it may not be apparent in this moment.

    

5. If they are driving “too fast”, remind yourself that everyone is trying to get somewhere and they may be trying to get to work because they are running late and about to lose their job that they need so badly. Maybe they are a doctor trying to get to the hospital fast to save someone? Maybe someone is trying to get to see a loved one to have their last moments with them?

    

6. If they are driving too slow, this may be the only speed they feel safe at.

    

7. If they are being extremely inattentive, while that doesn’t make it right, legal or ok, we can also forgive them for not knowing better and not doing better. Many of us are really trying hard to scrape by and are barely holding on as we numb all of the pains we feel while still trying to just be functional enough to get to work.

Even if the things above aren’t obviously true to you in that moment, allowing yourself to see both sides to the equation and practice seeing more than just the idea that another driver “isn’t doing it right” according to your values. 

And remember: 

“Anger is the poison you give yourself for someone else’s shortcomings”.

While it’s good to help others and communicate opportunities for people to “do better”, if we are ever feeling self righteous when we do this we may act in a way where we are uninvited and cause more problems for them. We may just waste our time and breath too. 

Giving grace can let OURSELVES off the hook and give us peace as much as we let them off the hook.

Is now really the time for someone to learn that they could be operating their vehicle in a better way?