Reader Question: Am I Just Being Jealous?
Reader Question: Am I Just Being Jealous? I’m really jealous of my girlfriend who has numerous guy friends. She’s often texting with them. She says she’s just an extrovert, which she is far more than I am, and I have no reason to believe she’s cheating but I feel very jealous. She has called me out on this a few times and I’m trying to not be insecure, but I’m not sure. Should I be concerned? This one is quite simple really. This question would likely have a mixture of opinions from a variety of people, especially different genders and especially those that have been cheated on in the past. Many people will tell you that she is probably cheating or that if she really loved you, she wouldn’t do that to you and, just as many might tell you to get over it and let her live her life and stop being insecure. The truth is somewhere in the middle. What do you want? What does she want? What is the vision and intentions that you have for the relationship that you both share with each other? What do you desire your relationship to look like when you’re together? And the same question back to her, what does she desire your relationship to look like when she’s with you? As an introvert, being in a relationship with an extrovert can be both really valuable, as introverts can sometimes be less motivated to go out and make and maintain friendships, but also overwhelming with a calendar full of parties and a never-ending supply of new people cycling through your life. A lot of people have differing definitions of what cheating is for them and how a partner can and should express their love to and for them. You need to ask yourself: is she just not doing enough of a good thing that you desire for you? For example, is she not present when she’s with you or not spending enough time with you? OR is it that she’s doing too much of a bad thing, disappearing for days at a time, spending time with people that you don’t think are in alignment with how you desire your relationship to be, or is she perhaps hiding or failing to divulge certain experiences she’s having? Hopefully it’s just the former (not doing enough of a good thing that you are desiring) and you guys can have a positive chat about what your individual and shared intentions are for the relationship. From here you can set some really beautiful visions with each other where you share and ask for what it is that makes you both the happiest. If it’s the latter (doing too many things that are undesirable to you and that don’t align with your values), and you’ll know because the conversation I just mentioned probably hasn’t happened and won’t happen anytime soon, then you’ll need to draw some hard lines in the sand keeping unmet expectations and unrequited love at bay while you come back to your own power. Either way, what is it that you want for yourself, your partner and your relationship? There’s a way to get through this edge finder! For more information on jealousy, you can check out my other blog on jealousy here.
How to Overcome Jealousy in Your Relationship
How to Overcome Jealousy in Your Relationship. Having jealousy consistently plays a role in your relationship can quickly be the demise of your once healthy and loving relationship. It sure is a big weight for you both to carry! A great example of a common argument in a relationship can stem from your partner spending more of their free time with their friends or deciding to work longer hours than before. The sudden shift may lead your mind into a dark rabbit hole of “what-if” type questions. “What if they no longer love me?” “What if he wants a younger lover?” “What if they want to be with someone else?” Side Note: A separate conversation here is if a partner is operating outside the bounds of the rules that you’ve set in your relationship. There will be another blog on this. Make sure to check it out. By asking yourself questions about the emotion, you can discover the reason why you’re feeling jealous in a relationship. Start here to learn what jealousy is and action forward tips moving through the heavy emotion. You can learn more about the problem by asking yourself these questions: What do I fear losing? Why do I fear losing this? Why would this be so bad? Why would that be so bad? (And the answer to this question can be then questioned with…) Why would the answer to that be so bad for me? (And again, ask the same question for the next answer) Repeat these questions until you find a deeper answer. Some common answers that may come up as you answer each question might be: Because then I’d be alone. Because I’d be unseen. Because I’d be unloved. Phew… *Sigh*… This can be tough to read out loud at first so be kind to yourself as you explore and observe this. While much joy in life can be found through relationships and other people loving us, it’s important to cultivate a sense of wholeness within ourselves as well. This inner strength can act as a buffer against jealousy. Once we find what it is that we are expecting to receive from them we can ask: While I thought that that person or situation was unique and the only way to receive that thing I wanted (e.g. love, significance, connection, variety, stimulation, income etc) how else can I get that for myself from other places? Is It Normal to Be Jealous? Yes, it is normal and common. But the question is, is it acceptable? And, if it is acceptable, what does it bring value? All emotions can be treated like gauges on a dashboard giving you a reading on your current state in relation to the world around you and your connection between your conscious and subconscious beliefs. The few times I’ve felt jealous I’ve been able to transmute it with the questions above. Somehow, I’ve always been rather rational and logical with certain emotions but as I write this blog I’m beginning to realize why I haven’t experienced too much jealousy in my life. Sadly, that’s because from a younger age I’ve always been fiercely independent, and bitterness and resentment are slightly more common for me in the history of my emotional ledger. Instead of believing I want something from someone or that they owe it to me (defensive fear – jealousy), in the past I have gone straight to the emotions of either bitterness or resentment (dismissive aggression or avoidance) with a voice in my mind sometimes appearing at worst as “How could they do that to me?! I’ll show them!” On a positive note, since I’ve started working on myself this has helped change my perceptions and actions now blossoming into a stable healthy place and calm loving balanced perspective. So to answer my own questions above, yes, all emotions are acceptable and bring value IF we listen to them and treat them as gauges on the dashboard. Is it ok to have a low gas tank? Yes. Is it ok to run around all day with a low gas tank, the fuel light on and blame others for your current situation? I’d say no. There is far more power and love and in taking action from the feedback that our emotions give us and by diving in to explore them. How Do You Know if You’ve Finally Overcome Jealousy? Once you start to observe and deprogram your mind by sitting with yourself and asking these questions on a daily basis as your emotions pop up, you’ll begin to see how rigidly attached you are to certain things and outcomes. Attachments bring expectations. But the harsh truth of reality is that it doesn’t always comply with our expectations. We need to show up as we are, where we are for whoever is right in front of us… Even if it’s no longer our partner or the team we wanted to be promoted to. It may take time to learn to live from a place of abundance and feel the love and power coming from inside instead of outside, but the effort to break the hold that an emotion like jealousy can have and navigate it differently can change your life. Keep the famous quote in mind, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.
