Jealously is a very common and also very misunderstood emotion, and, like many other emotions we often externalize and blame others for it.
However, jealousy is very much ABOUT YOU. And better yet, it can also very easily fixed…BY YOU.
Let me just cover first a very common mistake with people’s understanding of jealousy.
People sometimes confuse jealous with envy. While the two emotions are very similar they are actually very different.
Let me show you…
Imagine a person (the same gender and similar age, demographic etc as you, but perhaps, to your dismay, just a little cooler) drives past in a car that you’ve always wished you would buy some day. You see them and wonder “If they have that car, why can’t I? I want to be like them!”
This is actually closer to envy, not jealousy, as you might have first thought.
Jealousy is that same person driving past in that car and you notice your partner, who is also with you, staring at the person in the car, with a little smile on their face…and for a little longer than usual! If this makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s probably jealousy.
So, put simply:
Envy is you wishing you had the thing. Jealousy is you fearing losing the thing.
Further, in a relationship jealousy will often show up like this…
You get back from a hard day at work and want to connect with your partner, but he or she is focused on their own creative project or maybe they are on the phone with a friend. They greet you briefly but also say that they need to get “back to work” but will be “done soon.” Hours later they still haven’t connected with you and are still “busy” and you notice that you’re not really getting anything else done because you are hoping that, as they said, they will be “done soon.”
Or, another example is that you’re at a social gathering and your partner is just a little too happy conversing with that person they are talking to…and you don’t really know anyone here and so you’re feeling a little left out, wanting your partner to connect with you.
This is jealousy and there are two things in play here.
1. You are “plugged in” to a person or a situation and unable to “deplug”.
2. You are perhaps expectant of or anticipating a certain outcome and unable to let go or move on, because of you being plugged in.
It’s a self perpetuating thing. But the good news, is that the thing you’re hoping to receive from the other person can actually be given to you, by YOU, WITHOUT the other person.
Wouldn’t it be great if you could actually be so filled up on self-love that you never needed another person to fulfill you or got jealous? And even better yet you could actually always be happy for your partner?
There is a word for this and it is called compersion. A combination of happiness, compassion and fulfillment for the happiness of others.
How do you get to that level? Well it starts with more self-awareness firstly…
Here are some questions that you can ask yourself if you are noticing jealousy arise:
1.What is it that I want right now?
2.What would I GET if I received that thing right now?
3.How can I give that thing to myself?
4.How can I name this in future and share it with my partner to develop a deeper relationship with them?
Example: I’m at a party and my partner is talking to someone.
1. I want attention from my partner.
2.I would feel heard and have someone to listen to me.
3.I will be a listener for somebody else and then also share my current thoughts in conversation. OR I will step out briefly and I will journal some thoughts on my phone or notebook.
4.I will share with my partner that I’d like to connect with them before going to that party so I can feel refreshed, energized and open to connect with others.
In future, instead of us blaming our partners for our jealousies, there is a great opportunity for us to communicate with them about our wants and fears and to develop an understanding of our own attachments and limitations.
Life really is beautiful when we can see our negative emotions in a new light like this, developing them into a more healthier awareness of ourselves.
If you notice deeper or lingering jealousies or pains in your relationships, I’d love to give you an ear using some of my emotional awareness practices I teach.
Would you like to deepen your relationships that you have?
Please email me at www.AStuntmansGuide.com/GetBrett